


How to Save a Life

by Kabansky



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 00:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11242137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kabansky/pseuds/Kabansky
Summary: Just little one-shot teaser on Finnick's more recent backstory to tide everyone over.  I'll get the next chapters of Growing Young and Streetlights up soon.





	How to Save a Life

It as a beautiful day.  There was a light breeze that caressed every surface, from the windows of downtown to the leaves of the parks.  Zootopia was right in that perfect limbo between summer and autumn when the first bout of cool air hit.  The sun did not shine so harshly as it had only a few days ago, making it possible for it to be simply enjoyed and appreciated for its light and warmth.

Finnick walked alone through the park, taking care not to step too hard on his right footpaw.  His hip still ached tremendously, but at least for the first time in months he was walking freely.  The numb throbbing in his back still kept him awake, but thanks to painkillers it could be alleviated enough to function.  If he moved carefully and lightly, he could make it through the days.

The decision had been forming slowly in Finnick's mind for a while now.  He had not planned on today being the day, but somehow it seemed right.  He had walked this same path in this same park as a kid, accompanied by Nick, his parents, and often Ronny or Madeline.  The world was so big back then, and so comfortably complicated.  Now that he was an adult, it was all strangely simple, but terrifyingly so.  When he was a kid, he could trust that the big wide world was just that, and he would never have to endure the pain of seeing it for what it really was: a hellscape of meaningless realities.  Nothing existed on purpose, and nothing mattered in the end.

That was the paradox of growing up.  All the excitement and color of life faded away with time, and the years started zipping by.  Years were like money.  He only had so much, would get no more, and had to spend them wisely.  Overtime, they just started flying by faster and faster, and before Finnick knew it, he had been to war, married, become a father, and lost it all in a short span of a little under a decade.  He could count himself lucky to be alive, but the truth was that dead was better than the life Finnick knew he had chosen no matter how many excuses he made to the contrary:  a lifetime without living.  Just existing, and waiting to die.

He had a few missed calls on his phone, but Finnick ignored them.  He had already said his goodbyes.  

 _"Hey, Fin..."_  Nick's voicemail crackled out of the speaker, _"I'm just returning your call, and I'm sorry I didn't get back to you earlier.  Is everything okay?  I know we haven't seen much of each other lately, but I want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you.  This whole first year has been a doozie, and I know I've been too much of a stranger, but don't ever doubt that I'm here for you.  You can come on over, and it'll be like old times, I promise.  Call me back when you get the chance, okay?  I love you."_

 _"Hey,"_  Judy's voice came from the second message, _"Are you okay?  We're just worried about you, and we don't want anything to happen to you before we see you again.  I know it's been tough these last few months, but just know that you're not alone.  Call me back when you can.  See you soon!"_

Mueller hill passed by as he drove home, rising up out of the landscape right as the sun was setting.  His ears filled with the sounds of fireworks, and in his mind's eye, he saw a toddler version of himself running up the hill with Nick and Ronny, trailed by both their families.  That was the day his father came home from overseas, just in time for independence day.  Childhood was fleeting and bittersweet.  Innocence was lost in a series of moments, accumulating into the messy, emotional storm that was adolescence, which gave way to the sudden onslaught of harsh, yet beautiful realities that was adulthood.  

Dusk gave way to night as Finnick drove down familiar street after familiar street while the Lobos Z1's engine seemed to whisper, a stark contrast to it's usual racket.  The sun disappeared from view was Finnick was waiting at a particularly long red light, giving him time to roll down the window and watch the sun set one last time.  He had to wrench his eyes from it once it was gone.  He might not be able to look away unless he forced himself right now.

Thirty minutes later, night had fallen completely, and Finnick was parked by the waterfront bench where he had proposed to Elena.  About a hundred meters inland, on the other side of the road, was the tree where Nick and Ronny had found him all those years ago, alone and abandoned.  They had given him a good life, but it was time to leave now.

This was it.  No more delaying the inevitable.  Finnick reached into his center console, and extracted his Glock 19 from it's holster.  With shaking fingers, he hit the magazine release and checked one more time to make sure it was loaded, then racked the slide.  Wanting to get it done before his confidence faltered, he brought the gun to his mouth quickly, desperately trying to force his daughter's face out of mind.

Finnick let his lips caress the frame, tasting the metal.  Slowly, he maneuvered it so that it was pointed directly into his mouth, and upwards to his brain.  He did not clamp down, but instead continued to tease it with his lips and tongue, like a lover.  Despite tasting cold and metallic, like death, right now, it tasted sweeter than anything he had ever known.  It could end the pain.  One twitch of his finger, and he would never feel again.  No more wandering around an unfeeling ghost.  No more sleepless nights alone in the hell he deserved to be in, keeping Nick awake and worried about his brother, wasting his time and energy on someone who did not deserve to be loved.  One twitch of his finger, and he could do the right thing.  He could own up to everything he was, and separate himself from the world that was better off without him.  It would be selfless, one last act of goodness to his name.  No one would miss him, and that was how it should be.

His eyes closed, and he felt like he were closing the curtain on his life.  The lights went out.  The stage went dark.  Finnick closed his mouth down onto the barrel, and willed himself to give up.  Screwing up his eyes against the howl of misery fighting to escape him, seconds ticked by, and he still had not pulled the trigger.  He wished a car would backfire, or a door would slam; some kind of loud noise to startle him into doing it.  

More seconds ticked by, and he still had not done it.  Acutely aware of everything around him, he made peace with his life.  A feeling of contentment washed over him.  His pounding heart slowed down, as if it too were aware of what its owner was about to do.  His finger flicked over the trigger, pressing it ever so slightly.  

Before he could follow through, the driver's side door was ripped open, and a blast of chilled air impacted him like a slap in the face.  Finnick's eyes snapped open, and a strong paw seized the gun around the slide, wrenching it from his grasp and away from his head.  Nick leaned in close to him, his right forearm pressed against Finnick's chest, and the other grasping the gun by the slide.  His mouth was open ever so slightly, and a deep, terrible sadness glowed in his emerald eyes.  Guilt flooded Finnick's heart.  Nick bore the look that only someone who had almost lost a brother could.

Finnick's mouth fell open as hot tears of mixed shame and relief spilled from his eyes.  His fingers went limp, and he let Nick take the gun away completely.  He was practically ripped from the car in Nick's desperation to hug him.  Nick knelt on the grass, holding Finnick like a baby while Judy stood close by, her paws over her mouth.  A small sob escaped her throat, and she knelt down with Nick and Finnick, wrapping her arms around them both.  Finnick's right paw found hers, and she clasped it tightly.

They had known.  No matter how much Finnick had kept it to himself, Nick knew him too well to fail to notice his brother's intentions.  The silence, his sudden tranquility and peace with the world would have been impossible to miss.  Judy, ever watchful, had probably alerted him that Finnick was wandering off alone.  

How selfish of him.  Finnick tore himself apart inside for spending days planning this, daring to think that Nick and Judy would be happier without him.  It would have ruined Nick to lose him again.  Judy would be trapped in an endless fight to keep her husband sane, while she herself would be consumed her own grief.  Nick would suffer the same life that Finnick believed he had sentenced himself to: a lifetime without living.

Killing himself would kill his mother.  What little shred of hope she still had would be severed.  It would break her as she had always warned him that he was on the verge of.  Emily would blame herself.  Ronny's brand new family would lose a little bit of their dad.  Everyone would hurt, and it took Finnick almost completing the act of suicide to realize that.

If his father was still alive, he would not be for long.

The drive back to Nick's basement apartment seemed to fly by.  Finnick curled up in the backseat of Nick's car, not saying a word.  Judy had volunteered to drive his van back with them, leaving just Nick and Finnick alone in the car.  Nick seemed unable to decide whether or not to keep an eye on his brother, or even if it would elicit anger.  The whole way home, he just continued making backward glances, as if he were terrified of looking away too long and finding the backseat empty.

They put him through the shower, and dressed him in clothes that Nick had found in his closet.  For what felt like forever, no one spoke.  Judy produced bowls of soup for the three of them, but Finnick did not eat.  He simply stared at the floor, his head hanging dejectedly, appetite completely absent.  Soon, he heard Nick setting his spoon down with a gentle _clink_ , and picked his head back up to meet Nick's eyes.  The deep, profound sadness had been momentarily replaced by an almost disappointed, quizzical look that made Finnick sick to his stomach with guilt.

"Why, Fin?"  Nick asked simply, his tone gentle, yet firm.  Finnick swallowed his own throat, and sighed wearily.

"I don't know."  Finnick replied, fearing the answer would sound to predictable, and anger Nick.  "I just...broke."

"You broke my heart."  Nick stated, both accusatory and compassionately simultaneously.  Finnick nodded and sniffed.  Just out of desperation for something to do with his paws, he picked up his own spoon and began eating quietly for a few moments, before stopping again and looking back up at his brother.

"Please..."  He half-whispered.  "I-"

"Hakuna matata."  Nick replied, a faint smile showing itself on the corners of his mouth.  Finnick nearly choked on his own half-sob of relief, causing himself to cough.  Nick ruffled his head fondly, the warm, endearing smile growing.  Judy, who had been watching the exchange, pushed the bowl towards Finnick.

"Seriously, Fin,"  she admonished, "eat something.  You look like you haven't eaten in days."

"I haven't."  Finnick replied with a weak laugh, gratefully accepting the spoon that Judy pressed into his palm.  The next thirty minutes was spent on the futon couch bed in front of Judy's laptop, dissolving the stress of the evening with a lighthearted comedy that Judy picked out for them.  Eventually, Nick's exhausted form was curled up on the futon with his back propped up on a pillow, with his arms around Finnick, who was resting beside Nick, leaning into his brother's side with his eyes closed.  

Judy watched the two of them doze off as she changed, unsure of what to think.  It seemed impossible that the feisty little Fennec she had met all those months ago was so depressed that he wanted to end his life.  The news that he was Nick's adopted brother had not been a surprise, but their attachment to one another was so profound that Judy had initially wondered if their companionship was something intimate.  She sighed, and patted Finnick's head gently as she clambered onto the mattress on Nick's right.  A tiny paw grasped two of Judy's fingers, and she looked down to see Finnick holding them gently, eyes open in an expression that clearly said  _thank you._ For a fraction of a second, Judy could have sworn she saw a glimmer of determination and strength in Finnick's eyes, the same that had been the driving force in his life for so long.  

As Finnick grasped Judy's paw, he felt the cold, metallic shape of an engagement ring on her finger.  Nick had just proposed to her today.

Their breathing became synchronized, and they were asleep in minutes.  


End file.
